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Hi all, I thought I might join here because at least people will know what I'm talking about instead of just saying 'I'm sorry' and then promtly forgetting about it. My dad died about 7months ago. He had lungcancer, which kinda runs in the family. Thing is, he would have survived but the doctor he saw for his yearly check-up missed the huge dark spot on his radiograph. It makes me angry, that one mistake can destroy several entire lifes. My dad was really brave, went trough all chemos and meds there was, getting thinner and thinner but always saying he'd make it, because he trusts his doctors. And in the beginning it looked as if it might work. I was abroad that time, only being able to talk with him over skype and stuff. One of the many things i regret.
But then I came back and tried to help where I could. I'll never forget when we went to this last check-up xand were told there was no hope left. I never wanted to see my dad cry like that. He was just so... small and broken. And the cortoc so very unhelpful. My 'best' friend was even worse. I called her because I was just told my dad would die and all she said was: 'oh. well you can come over but just for about 2h cause me and bf have concert tickets.' yea...maybe it's just me but the concert wouldn't have mattered to me in such a situation.
And then with hope, every strengh my dad had had left was gone. He kept getting weaker, as was his mind. He was faiding all around. I couldn't even hug him because it hurt him.
I was really proud of my mum, we got everything organized and managed to take care of him at home, he didn't want to go and stay in the hospital. We didn't want that either. And I din't mind helping washing him or helping him walk. But, I alternated sleeping in a chair with my mum so he wouldn't be alone at night, in case he woke up or needed something. Mostly we just held his hand the entire night so he knew he wasn't alone. But because of the luncacer his breathing was so wheezy... It wasn't bad and I didn't mind. Breathing ment he was still here. But now I always remember it. The other day on the bus a guy sat next to me doing the wheezing thing too and I nearly cried. It just hurts so much and doesn't seem to get better. And it's just not fair. 2Years ago my mum was fighting breast cancer, but she managed to beat it. And at the beginning of this year she went into retirement and she and my dad had all these plans. They were so lovey dovey... My mum's a complete mess now. And now christmas is around the corner and it just keeps getting worse. They say you don't know what you have till it's gone, but this is just wrong because we always knew. And at times I think this makes the time now even worse. And inbetween missing him, I'm always thinking of so much small stuff that i never said sorry for and the guilt isn't helping either. It all just feels as if i have a big giant whole in my breast.
My dad and me always were a tight unit, we just got each other. And we had this plan on traveling the Pan american Highway and I wanted him to show and teach me so much. And just thinking about all this things that will never be is... I don't know. Law says I'm an adult with 23. But I don't feel like and adult. All I want is to cuddle up to my dad like I always did and have him tell me it will get better. I just really really want him back.

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